I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
