I want to have your abortion
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
