I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I accidentally burped into my bong.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
