Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
