Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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