I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
