i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
