first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
