Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
