Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
