almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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