that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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