Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize