dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
