Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
