Girls should come with a carfax report
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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