I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
