I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize