I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
