NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
COCAINE IS GR8
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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