just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
