You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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