she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
