You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
