he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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