My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
