i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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