After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Mom said you looked used
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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