My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
