I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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