dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
