I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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