Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
The adults are the big ones right?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
