i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
