Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
