Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
