not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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