So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize