then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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