I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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