i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
