If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
