I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I need a burrito and a hug.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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