either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I could fuck to npr.
Randomize
