Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
