Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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