He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
All I want is dick and wine.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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