I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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