Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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