My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
two words: eviction party
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
