Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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