dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
