Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
