the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize