My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Randomize
