Only a mothe r could love this liver
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
