Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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