I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
