Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
