marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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