just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Watching her eat just hurts me
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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