our cab driver is having phone sex.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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