I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
He did a backflip because drugs
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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