News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
